They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
