SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
