she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
