just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
