Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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