moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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