I hate your face
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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