On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Soap is not a condiment
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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