I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
