chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
