You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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