Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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