At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
