At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
