Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
