you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
