I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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