I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
