Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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