I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
