shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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