Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
