i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
id be glad to
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
