Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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