I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
