My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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