I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
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Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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