My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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