Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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