Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
