Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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