apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
