It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
