eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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