So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
