i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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