Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
God I need to hump something, right now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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