i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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