Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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