i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
