I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
