I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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