you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
