There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So many bounce houses so little time
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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