I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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