Non-Jews are for practice
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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