Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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