Can i not drive my cunt home
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
