my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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