we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
