i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
