Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
