Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
