I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
