Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
