Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
now i know why i became what i already was.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
