Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
