Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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