When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
