oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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