We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
