i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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